Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Old and Outta Shape

So, I've lost some weight in the last 6 months, and still losing....I guess when I get a hole in my sock and fall out, I might think that's enough. I have come to realize (like most adults who reach that ever-so-difficult-to-admit age of f--fff---ffff-ffifty), that exercise is the key to keeping "Addie Pose and her annoying little dimply children" at bay. Where in Helsinki does that cellulite come from anyway? I KNOW there a Cellulite Fairy somehwere!! I bet she is a fat, ugly, thing with stanky garlic breath and a deep-fried turkey leg for a magic wand.....I'd like bust her chops just once with that greasy gobbler's hock...Grrrrrr....thanks to her it's like I sat on a bunch of hard bubble wrap one day and none of it popped- it just left a forever impression on my....nevermind.

So....exercise..... I decided it might be good for me and Big Sugar to burn a few calories if we were to do the 10-mile bike ride around the beautiful lake 3 blocks from our home in Oklahoma City. Nice sunny day, a bit breezy (in Oklahoma that is code for winds of about 20-25 mph) and off we go, Steve in his cool ball cap and me in my silly-looking-but-gotta-wear-it bike helmet, being a nurse with ortho/neuro background and all. It was going to be great, right?

Hadn't ridden in a while, in few da-, wee-, mo-, okay- in about a year really. After calling Terminex to rid my bike of all the cobwebs, we headed out for a bit of "ex-ree-size". I don't know what it is about Lake Hefner in OKC, but there is a perpetual vortex, perhaps a worm hole in the space time continuum?, that causes you to ride face first into the eternal wind, no matter which direction you go around the lake. What is UP with that?! You don't need a bike stand here in Oklahoma, just lean your bike against the wind- it WILL stay up. (Motorcycles too on a good day...) I felt like I was in a wind tunnel, for cryin' out loud! My hammies and quads were cussin' me out! I was huffin' and puffin'! I haven't felt the burn like that since I had natural childbirth 28 years ago!! What?! First gear, first sprocket?! Now that is just SAD!!!!!!

And the burn wasn't just in my gams either......gel seat....GEL SEAT???!!! gel seat, my hind-end!!!!! Now I do not hail from the state of Big Assachusetts, never have had that problem, thank the good Lord above. But still, I was told to get a comfy gel seat- Hear me now, people. DOES. NOT. WORK. MM-KAY? I'm just saying. I now KNOW the definition of nuuuuuuuuumb. Yes. Yes I do.

You know you really ought to give up biking when you are passed by speedy Granny Myrtle Beth from down the street.........who happens to be walking on the bike path with the help of her 4-prong cane and her sweet, hobbling, three-legged, canine companion, Chester, who is older than your varicose leg veins, that are now more prominent than ever, thanks to the over-exertion of trying to hold your sweet little aspirations up off that stupid, non-functioning rip-off of a gel seat because your tired, albeit rather tiny, behind is on "FIE-YUR!!!" and needs a break from the bicycle of terror....

Who's bright idea was that? Oh yeah, it was mine.....but you know what? We're still riding and it had gotten easier and we are getting faster- so watch out for the jet stream in our wake Granny M-B! Here we come!!! Now how 'bout that?!


  1. Love (?) the image of the Cellulite Fairy....I hate her though. Why doesnt she go bother people in Beverly Hills? Some of them could use a visit.