Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Open Letter to the Drunk Guy at the Concert in Chicago

Dear Across-the-aisle-just-3-feet-away-endlessly-puking-perpetually-spewing-idiot-who-had-WAAAAAAAAAY-too-much-beer-at-the-Corona-sponsored-tailgating-party-before-the-Kenny-Chesney-Sun-City-Carnival-Tour-concert-ever-even-started-at-4PM-so-that-you-were-totally-passed-out-while-providing- quite-the-disgustingly-memorable-projectile-emetic-show,

So. I'm guessing you won't ever eat peanuts again...am I right?

No pity for you,

PS- Too bad about your boots....and your shirt.....your jacket.......jeans....the guy in front of you...you idgit.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

CHICAGO, My Kind of Town!!!

OK, all you wonderful back seat travel advisors out there. Here's your chance. This Southern gal is going up north among the Yankees for a lil' trip with Big Sugar. Lawd, have muhcy! I'm thinkin' my accent will stand out just a smidgen....It is summertime and time for one of our little vacations. We are going to Chicago to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We have had 32 years of wonderful wedded bliss. Believe it or not, we are still on our honeymoon! When she was a little girl, Heather Cherry used to roll her eyes and mutter an exaggerated "Eww!" when she would catch us smooching in the kitchen, but now when she is over for dinner, I think she is used to it. Or maybe just sick of it, who knows... all I know is it's pretty wonderful to be more in love today than I was 32 years ago. You know what? He tells me the same thing. I . Shall. Keep. Him.

Anyho, just wondering what tips y'all have about Chicago.... Who grills the best steaks? Who has the best deep-dish pizza pie? Where can we find the freshest mouth-watering seafood? How about the local color mom-and-pop Italian establishment that makes fresh pasta and a sauce so good you'll slap yourself? Well, where IS it??? What SHOULDN'T we miss in this great metropolis??? Places to go, food to eat, things to buy???? Come on, peeps, CHIME IN HERE.

Don't leave me hanging. We leave on Thursday!!! This is not the time for a "drive-by blead!" (That would be a quick blog read and then you are outta here. Don't be a bleader!)DISCLAIMER: We don't imbibe, so any suggestions regarding bars, pubs, dives, watering holes, pools halls, stripjoints, and/or casinos will unfortunatley go unheeded. We are going to Soldier Field for a concert and maybe to a MLB game. We are staying right downtown on the magnificent mile and are so excited about this trip. Got any pointers for us? Well, whadaya know? I don't typically ASK for advice. I'm usually the one GIVING it! Now how 'bout that?!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Do You Spook Easily?

Late last night in OKC Sonic Drive-ins had a free give-away for a couple of hours. So Big Sugar and I decided to jump in my Smartie and I drove 1.2 miles to the nearest Sonic because we wanted one of Summertime's greatest indulgences- the Root Beer Float! Now- what do you typically do with a root beer float? EAT IT, RIGHT? Yeah, well, I ended up WEARING mine. Uh-huh, you heard me. NOT my idea by the way.

I'd just phoned my son to tell him about the tasty freebie (of which he and Christy had already had two) and I put my iPhone down in my lap to take a scrumptuous bite. (a bit of foreshadowing here, you think?).....We were sitting there enjoying our floats and talking about the day. Unbeknownst to me , a Sonic employee had walked up to my window while my head was turned and I was talking to Big Sugar. As I was conversing wittily as I often do *batting eyelashes coyly* I glanced to my left and my brain registered that someone was hulking over me at the window.

In the space of a nanosecond there was some serious multi-tasking going on in that tiny little car. I jumped straight up, cleared leather- I'm talking daylight between me and the seat and floorboard, prayed fervently to the Lord God Almighty's Son above, just a one-word prayer, mind you, at about 120 decibels, while simultaneously tossing the entire contents of my root beer float up into the 72-degree air -and the cup itself stayed glued to my hand. The "floatness" did a half-gainer out of the cup, had 3 inches to spare on its upward arc before missing the convertible cloth headliner entirely, and proceeded to plummet back to earth and land on my left....um...shelf. In my younger days, the ice cream would've stayed there long enough for me to retrieve it.....these days? No. way. in. Helsinki. Ah, but I digress. Refreshing on a hot June evening? NO. Not even a wee bit. Every bit o'that that root beer gravy ran down all over me and into my lap........and just soaked in to my black yoga britches. Got all over my leather seat too.

Ok, remember, nanosecond, right? I completely froze ( no pun intended) right after my "little prayer", arms held aloft, jaw dropped in utter surprise, eyes blinking incredulously, adrenaline-infused heart pumping, and there was complete silence in the car, except for Big Sugar trying ever so unsuccessfully to hold in his laughter. He was just sitting there shaking and sorta wheezing, while trying not to choke on his big bite of free RBF.

And then Big Sugar said quite matter-of-factishly,

"I think I'm going to tell Jesus that you cussed. And you used HIS name to do it......"
*Me still frozen in place, turn my head only to look at him*
"I DIDN"T cuss, I was PRAYING!!!! ...... Can't you tell THE DIFFERENCE?!?!?!"
"Yes, yes you did. Pretty sure that sounded like cussing to me.....yep, that was cussing all right."
*Me now smiling, still wide-eyed*
"Well Honey, when I am scared shatless, I don't really have the time or the wherewithall to offer up a 'Dear Lord Jesus, help me in the midst of my storm of fear and doubt and lift me from the miry clay', when I feel that a really good resounding 'Juh-EEEE-zzzus!!!!!' will do in a glorified pinch and He knows my meaning anyhay."
*Big Sugar mumbling and laughing under his breath* "Cussing is cussing. I'm just sayin'."

So, the Sonic girl is STILL at my window wearing a big ol' smile and her cute lil' hat, and I roll the window down as the ice cream is melting in my lap. She smiles and says,

"Oopsie! Sorrrrrrrrr-ry. Wanna extra coupon???" *Smile, blink, blink*

"Nope. Perhaps a few extra napkins, though? That would be great." *Smile back, blink, blink*

It is possible to say an entire sentence gritting your teeth and smiling at the same time, and the other person be totally oblivious. Wasn't her fault, really. And I told her so. I just spook really easily. I have ever since I as 14 when a no-good someone, who knew better, sneaked up on me for a no-good reason. The result-a little therapy, lot of prayers, and in a pinch, some of them end up being just one word long. God is good.

Had to drive home holding the seatbelt away from me because of the root beer amoeba on the front of my person was one big sticky, stanky mess. Hey, remember my iPhone in my lap at the time of Sonic caustic spill? It escaped without even sustaining a single drop of damage. Now how about that?! Can't say the same for my shirt........