Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sweaty Feet

Ya got'ny sibs? I' got a sister and a brother, both older than me. I wanted to be like them SOOOO badly. They were cool, and popular, and brave enough to sneak out at night, and oops...nevermind! Nene, short for her given name Rowena, was 5 when I came along and Goo was 4. Goo, aka, Goober- short for ....um, Ken, Kenney, Kenneth...that just morphs right on into Goooooober now doesn't it? It just sounded right when we dubbed him that. In the south, ever'body has a knickname. It is part of who you are.

Now you have to know that Ken wasn't named Goober after the gumpus on Mayberry who could, at times get into all kinds of idgitness because he didn't exactly wear common sense jeans. Not so with Goo. He is one of the smartest guys I know. And if it is broken, whatever it is, he can fix it. We called 'im Goober one day and it stuck. But we all have an idgit day once in awhile, right? You know, when you do something sorta stupid, without thinking, and then you REEEEEEally wished you hadn't? and you hope to Baby Jesus that nobdy saw you or even hears about it? Well, Goo, here's to you. This is for aaaaaall those times when you ate EVERY SINGLE THING I baked in my Easy Bake Oven before I even got a taste. And you laughed about it. Who's laughing now, huh? Bwahahaha! I've been waiting 41 years. 41 YEARS I TELL YA. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now the entire world will know....ok maybe just the 8 or 9 people who read my blog but, HAHAHAHAHAHA I FINALLY got YOU, GOO! Payback's a female dog, now ain't it?!

Some folks have sweaty feet. Guys in particular. My brother is one of 'em. One time he waved a pair of socks in front of me that had been stuffed down in a pair of his shoes somewhere in his closet for a couple of months. Let me tell you, there ain't no kind of funk like that anywhere. The hair in my nose fell out! I have smelled better two-week old roadkill from the back of my Harley than those reekin'dress gold-toes did that day. All of the Code Browns combined that I ever smelled on the floor of the hospital as a nurse pale in comparison to the odiferous fog emiited from my brother's Jethro Bodine- sized stems. My mom was always buying industrial-strength foot powder for Goo and his big ol'stanky funkins. He would pour it in his sneakers every day. I swear if they woulda had odor eaters back then, he woulda taken one step and flat-out disappeared.

One day, when Goo was about 14, the unthinkable happened. He ran out of his foot powder! Oh no! His covy of girlfriends might notice a chink in his armor! BMOC can't have a fume about him.....what to do, what to do?! He checked our bathroom for an extra can, but alas, there was none. He then went to Momma and Daddy's bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet and, behold! There was a can of powder!!! Hurray- he was saved!!! He filled his shoes full of the newly-discovered powder and went about his way. Later he was telling Mom and Dad at the supper table that he was out of his nuclear fume-killing foot powder, but that he had used some of Daddy's foot powder this morning. Daddy paused and said "I don't have any foot powder."

Goo, said "Yeah, you do- that powder in your medicine cabinet." Mom and Dad exchanged the weirdest look ever in the history of man, and busted out laughing. Mom nearly choked on the meatloaf. Goo just kept getting madder and madder wondering why he was the brunt of an unknown joke. Nene and I just laughed right along with Mom and Dad 'cause we knew this was about him, and NOT us. Daddy jumped up and ran to his bathrom and came back with the powder can in hand and said "Boy, that ain't no foot powder you' been a'wearin'all day!" And then he showed him this and said "Read the label!"

The look on my brother's face can not be fully described. You men reader's out there, please just take a moment...and imagine what went through this macho 14-year old man-boy's mind...tantamount to using your gal's can of FDS and thinking it was your AXE. Ew. His self-confidence and manhood was now lost into the innersoles of his black PF Flyers. Goo couldn't wash his feet FAST enough. I don't know what was worse, Ken threatening all of us not to tell anyone, or Daddy's NON-STOP ribbing about Ken staring to walk like a girl, having a higher pitch to his voice and really getting in touch with his feelings. 'Course I wanted to call him Johnny Quest, after my favorite cartoon, but I didn't dare!

If you don't have a big brother , you are missing out on one of life's greatest blessings. I am pretty sure I have the best one the world has to offer. Yeah, he stole my Easy Bake Oven Culinary Creations, and he would hold me down and tickle me while holding my mouth and nose shut, and so what if he always turned the channel during my favorite TV shows. At some point, I'm not sure when, he went from being an older brother annoyed by a bratty younger sister, to being my bodyguard and best buddy. The day a boy on a youth group trip said a fowl two-word phrase to me, was the same day my big brother shook that boy like a ragdoll and said "Nobody talks to my sister like that", dragged him over to me and made him apologize in front of everyone. The day I got to college was the day he made it known that if ANY guy tried ANYTHING with me, he would clean their clock. Consequently, I met the cream of the crop- Big Sugar, because of a blind date set up by my brother, and well, when you are married to Filet Mignon, everybody else is just pork filler bologna. Can't thank you enough for that Goo.

I hope you have some good memories from childhood. Some real knee-slappers. Nothing like a good guffaw to clear your head. Think on those things today, and while you do that I'm going to re-apply my mascara, because I have laughed it off while writing this post. Ahahahaha, Johnny Quest! Now how'bout that?!


  1. Here's to Goober! May he never mistake a feminine product for foot powder again. Haha.

  2. Great story sis, you are a fantastic storyteller! Especially fiction! Cause that's what it is, pure fiction. Feminine powder my a--. I've never touched the nasty stuff. What could I possibly have done to you in the past to motivate you to come up with such a personaly damaging untruth.
    Don't you know that my wife might happen onto this blog of yours. You could be responsible for the destruction of a 30 year marriage. And I'm not even going to mention the fact that there could be former female associates of mine that could stumble upon this rubbish as well. What would that do to the image of me they have been carrying in their minds for all these years. The poor things, why they would be destroyed!
    You know, experts say that your mind can blank out very painful memories for the protection of your whole being, so what I am saying is "It didn't happen" at least as far as I can remember. Feminine powder my a--

  3. Shawnster- I have many more sibling stories to come, so bank up on your laughter, my friend. You're gonna need it.

    Johnny Quest- "Feminine powder my a--". Now, now dear brother, you of all people know that is NOT where that powder goes! But you WERE the one who came up with another off-label, albeit therapeutic use for Quest. The bright side is that makes you quite the critical thinker, McGuyver!

  4. Lol...my brother did stuff like hang my barbie dolls from thier necks from the cieling and turn all my dolls' heads backwards. And he was ELEVEN years older than me. Brothers....

  5. Sister, if you notice the Label on Quest Deodorant, it says "especially effective on feminine napkins" which simply means it is some powerful stuff as it relates to destroying odors. To me, all that means is that handling foot odors is no problem for this product. It does not say it is a feminine powder or anything of the such. It says it is "unscented", which means it neither has a girly smell, or a manly smell. The way I see it, if your story somehow was true, I would be fully justified in my use of this product for the purpose of controling foot odor. Goo,Goober,Slick,Stud,You need to wear your hair like me, Proud former Quest user, Your Bro